AWKWARD AND AWESOME THURSDAY!

AWKWARD:

• Looking at the pictures up on the wall at my school and coming across one in particular that i thought would fit in perfectly with AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com, then taking a closer look and......oh whoops, that's one of my students
• just sitting down to eat breakfast and then told that it's fast Sunday...my head falls to my chest as i give a large sigh, the naughty side of me wishing that i could just forget what i just heard. never has oatmeal looked so good then at that moment as i was pushing it away
• walking past one of the many lingerie shops and seeing a nicely toned male manikin advertising, "24 hours open" on his lower pelvic area. whitey tidies and bad grammar....now THAT is a turn on
• playing a game at the crosswalks of red light green light, seeing if the drivers will yield or not, because the whole "yield to pedestrians" yeah, doesn't exist here. The drivers have two speeds here: at a dead stop, or "if you get in my way you will die" fast.
• Working away on the computer with a bag of caramels in front of me, reaching into the bag for juuuust one more, only to feel....nothing. it was at that moment i looked down to see a gigantic pile of empty wrappers just staring at me from the desktop. It was an awkward moment for both me and the pile.
• walking along the side walk and getting a nice steamy sewer facial.
• looking down at your lunch wondering if it really came from the kitchen, or if something had crawled up from the deep dark depths of a cow and died on my plate.
• the Russian manikins here have uhhh.....very pronounced chest markings
• walking to the school and seeing a bunch of fire trucks outside, and because of my childhood where a whole day would be dedicated to touring a firehouse, i just assumed that this was for educational purposes. when trying to prance my way into the school however a man yelled at me in Russian looking at me like i was stupid, and said, "fire." ohhhhh......you mean....ohhh he he he, you mean there was an actual fire? well shucks, my bad. i guess my stuffy nose didn't really help me out here when i couldn't smell the smoke
• that moment when you cheer when it's19 degrees outside
• Hilariously inappropriate mispronunciation moments of throwing a cube/die with the kids and hearing,"i want to die!" or my personal favorite, "i want the pube!" (had to debate whether this should go in the awesome category
• losing my key to the apartment and being trapped outside in the cold waiting for someone to open the door, then trying not to look like a creeper as i follow that person inside
• when I'm doing the train with the kids and i catch myself going "chugga chugga chugga chugga toot toot" like Major Pane
• the glorious sensation of feeling something snap on your body, immediately going into conservative mode trying to cover up any part of your body that may be revealed due to that snap (buttons, zippers, etc.) only then to look down and see the remains of a broken purse. Awww man, what a disappointing relief.
• I watched a man walk to the side of the side walk and prepare to fire, except this missile didn't quite leave the cannon. He ended up with a two feet long strand, swaying in the wind. (psst! mom, this is your cue to say that line from that movie that i hate but have grown to love so much)
• running to the bathroom fumbling with your pants as your body is about to let loose a mini hurricane, bending down and falling strait into the toilet because the previous person was so kind enough to leave the seat up, needless to say i glared at every male i saw for the rest of the day

AWESOME:

• Browsing the candy isle and seeing a chocolate bar, but not just any chocolate bar, a a chocolate bar for MEN. we all looked at it for a bit, pondering, when i suddenly exclaimed, "oh i get it! it has nuts!"
• skyping with my family is...you guessed, awesome

• chocolate=awesome. and who says math is difficult?

• "sometimes all you need for happiness, is a little chocolate." i can always count on dove candy wrappers for words of wisdom, and yes, i did spend fifteen minutes trying to translate it

• i now know why ice cream comes in a tube, not because it's just awesome, but because it makes amazing ice cream sandwiches! chocolate cookie ice cream sandwiches, to be exact. just slice into that sucker and, mmmm.....

• the random pictures on the metro signs as I'm riding up and down the escalators are priceless: flowers, chopped carrots, parrots, a kitten, bananas, kittens, a monkey, mixed berries, old paper, rock pebbles...whoever pics these pictures out is a genius

• the crinkling sound the tin foil makes when i eat my chocolate bar

• children here have scheduled chess classes! for half an hour a day they are taught all the do's and dont's of playing chess! needless to say, i find this quite awesome

• awesome that four of my awesomes are about chocolate...wait, make that five

• I've been taking full advantage of that fact that it is legal to pirate music in Russia!
• today i saw grass! yeah, that green stuff that grows from the ground? i saw it! it was slimy, and mushy, not the most pleasant shade of green, but grass none the less

HOW I MET LEONARDO DA VINCI

Yet another weekend in St. Petersburg, and the weekend wouldn't be anything if it didn't start out with a race against the clock! Yes, i slept in. Surprise! Can you blame me? I finally got a new mattress! After coming to the conclusion that getting hives on your skin was actually not normal, nor fun we decided to chuck the old dense mattress pads, which i think have accumulated weight over the past 15 years from the remains of old ILP members. Yummy. I thought there was no way that i could be ready on time, but i can now tell you that I will never underestimate the magic of a new shirt. I was able to dress myself (even feeling kinda cute to boot!) with even enough time to spoon down a glob of gold (peanut butter) before tripping out the door

It was hard to believe that it was only 11 in the afternoon and the sun was already making its decent. Sometimes it's just sick how short of a period of time i can see the sun, or should i say the light radiating from the sun. It's been so long, that i almost can't remember what it looks like...

 Today's agenda: the Hermitage!

I was always so confused, is this the Hermitage or the Winter Palace? Well your answer is...both! The Hermitage is one of the largest and oldest museums in the world dedicated to art and culture, it consists of six historic buildings, one of which is the Winter Palace. The Winter Palace alone has 1,786 doors, 1,945 windows, 1,500 rooms and 117 staircases. Are you comprehending the size of this place? If you are, congratulations, you are one step further than me.

I was already starting my day off right by forgetting to grab my student card, ("right" being the term to define my classic forgetful self) so while everybody else was flashing there student cards there i was paying the darn 400 rubles to get it. Gosh dang it. We went down to the coat room (i love saying that, it sounds so sophisticated, yes? no? moving on...) which to me is a magical place where you can lose 10 lbs in 5 seconds. I mean my hips are large enough as they are, they don't need any help thank you very much, and it just felt so nice to walk around not feeling like a frumpy, black, abominable snowman. 

(Sigh) the Main Hall, it's one of the few places that still holds the original 18th century style. This is where my head craning began, because for most of the day i was looking more up than down or forward. Now if this wasn't a slap in the face then i don't know what is. Does that even make sense? For some reason i just felt that it fits...what I'm meaning to say is...this room was STUNNING! Almost everything was painted with gold leaf, and the statues on the wall are not even statues, but paintings just made to look 3D, and to think...i can't even draw a proper stick figure. I was once more trying to be stealthy taking pictures (which turns out is very hard to do when your camera makes noises whenever you press a button) because i was too cheap to pay for sticker that allows me to take pictures freely. I mean i already payed to get in, NOW you want me to pay to take pictures?!

You can't have a Main Hall without a red carpet! I walked on that carpet as if i were a model on the runway, just less sexy, but there was definite umph. It was so neat to think that this is where Royalty walked, how many times had they walked up and down these stairs? Honesty i know nothing about the people who walked these stairs, i just knew that they were famous. Ok, serious research when i get home. If I'm going to walk in their house than i should probably know who they are, for all reasons polite

This is just one of the many ball rooms in the Palace. Did i waltz around the room dancing as if i were at an actual ball? Is nutella and peanut butter an incredible combination? The answer to both of these is a resounding YES.

The gorgeous embellishment seen here is actually on the ceiling of one of the ball rooms, and an exact replica was laid directly below into the wooden floor. These people seriously put a whole new meaning into the word "detail"

A story comes with this picture. So i really liked this painting, don't ask me why, i just did. Maybe it's the way that those eyes just stare right into my soul, so i took a picture. Notice the two men on the right, do they look a little paler to you? well that's not from a lack of sunshine, that is....my flash. I totally forgot my flash was on! Flashes are a no no here, especially for one who doesn't have a "i payed and therefore have a legal right to be taking pictures" sticker. Immediately one of the lady workers came up to me, fear could be seen in my eyes as my heart sank, already preparing myself to be brutally beaten down and escorted out. To my relief she only told me to turn my flash off, and i more than willingly obliged, and i made sure by back was to her until i was out of eye sight

They should have free massages after each tour because my neck was beginning to get sore from looking up so much. I walked right underneath this chandelier, when Sveta our tour guide told me that nobody walks under the chandeliers because if one were to fall...well it wouldn't be good. Ok, that's one thing I've done wrong so far. We came to a glass case filled with priceless treasures and out of eagerness to get a closer look, touched the glass. That's the second thing. Walking down a grand hallway of painted portraits of royalty, Sveta asked me if i knew who any of them were, i did not. Three strikes. Needless to say Sveta gave me many pity pats on my shoulder shaking her head, while i just stood there, glum, head downcast in shame

The architecture is sometimes more amazing than the art on its walls

Everywhere you turned there was so much beauty. There was not a bit of space that did not have the most intricate of detail. In the floors, in the walls, in the ceiling,  in the doors, even down to the doorknobs. the door here was actually inlaid with the shells of turtles, giving it a bluish metallic hue. Turtle shells!

As you might have noticed this picture is a little blurry. This is the whole purpose to the title, and it's blurry. Figures. By now i have made it into a science as to who to ask to take my pictues and who not to ask. THIS is a Leonardo Da Vinci original! It's called "Madonna and the Child." My heart skipped a beat when i saw it, and i just stood there getting up as close as i could, to the point that i could fog of up the glass but just far enough away so as not to leave nose prints. Seeing all the individual brush strokes was just amazing! i can now say i saw the brush strokes of Da Vinci, and i know that everybody out there has had the desire to say such a thing

After a cerain amount of time i began to go into a numb state. My mouth was permanently gaping, my mind blank as i roamed the grand halls and rooms of the Hermitage. If you can even believe it today was just the rough sketch! we didn't even cover close to a quarter of what the palace has to offer, so i have conspired a plan. every Sunday before church i will come to the Hermitage and cover one section of the map at a time, until the whole place is covered. too big for my briches? perhaps, but im still gonna try to squeeze in them anyways

The boy and the....dolphin?

Walking out into Palace Square we also managed to walk in on a huge childrens carnival, off into the distance i could see the shapes of childrens bodies randomly flying into the air as they bounced on trampolines. The music of a concert could be heard, and i am convinced that the only reason some people go in the childrens entertainment business is because they were not blessed with a deeper voice after puberty, so they stuck to entertain those who knew exactly how they felt.
I boosted back up my sugar level with a caramel apple blini and was off to the grocery store! i once again forgot to bring a grocery bag with me, but it was nothing new to me to be swinging around a loaf of bread in my purse.

AWKWARD AND AWESOME THURSDAY!

AWKWARD:

VS

• Yes, what you see here is hash browns. Do not ask me how, i never studied the molecular structure of potatoes, and even Google did not have an explanation for green potatoes. After three failed attempts of getting the same result we were stumped....curiouser and curiouser. I'm pretty sure Van Gogh would be the only one to see beauty in such a thing, if he were to paint them i think it would be much like the first picture, much more appetizing...well, to the eyes at least.
• walking outside and getting an instant blast of wind in my face, causing a steady gush of tears which then froze the eye lashes at the corners of my eyes shut. you know that face you make when you push your eyes towards the center of your face? yup. me.
• one frozen body part not enough for ya? how about breathing in and having the sensation of feeling boogers in your nose when just the other moment you thought it was spick and span. So you try to casually feel around without drawing too much attention, when the light finally turned on and you then realize it was not boogers, but in fact...frozen nose hairs.
• do you know the saying that water can be the kiss of life or the kiss of death? or am i just making that up? well either way, that truly is the case here! you can gulp down that water and rehydrate that body till content, but if that water was not boiled and/or filtered it will be the end of you. so as I'm putting the cup to my lips i hear that voice inside my head making me question if the water is safe or not, so i boil in again, juuuust in case.
• reaching down and taking what one of my students was giving me during singing time, rolling it in my fingers, and coming to a dead stop....something wasn't right. I looked down to see a crumbled up dead spider in my hands. I gave a loud yelp and began frantically wiping my hands down the front of my pants. All the kids thought this was part of the song so followed my example and did the same, oh if only someone could have walked in at that moment. How many encounters will i have in this life time that results in me rolling something dead between my fingers?!
• Not knowing the Russian hymns, so I begin to sing them in English and keep getting weird looks from the whole congregation. We might as well have been singing Koombaya.
•   Sometimes my coat decides to turn into a cocoon, holding in all the heat and moisture throughout the day. At the end of the day, after many an hour of steaming (hey, miracles like this take time you know) i emerge from that cocoon to spread my glorious wafting wings of body odor
• every once and a while you will get a crippled begger on the metro. as soon as the doors close they hold up a sign and yell out their story, then proceed to drag/slide themselves up and down the isle. I dont have any money on me, so i put my head down, problem is....that's where their eye level is.
• You know how you sometimes walk and see all those pieces of gum stuck to the ground? Well here in Russia they don't have gum embellished walkways, they have globs of frozen spit
• I was walking home behind a man when suddenly he stopped, put a finger on one nostril and blew a total snot rocket! I couldn't help but stop as well, whether it was out of shock or to stay out of the danger zone i can not tell you, maybe both. It was then that i came to the realization....oh my gosh all these frozen markings on the ground are not all spit as i had thought, but in fact, the majority of them are the remains of snot rocket missiles!
• Ummm....polio in St. Petersburg. enough said.
• The other day i went to exchange my money all by myself! With full confidence i walked up to the counter and with my crisp bills and set them down on the metal tray and then tried to push them through the slot, key word "try." The bills wouldn't go through! I looked up at the lady with a look of panicked confusion and then composed myself thinking that the bills just needed to go in at more of an upward angle....nope. I then tried my third and last option as the lady just stared at me through the glass, and just tried shoving those bills through that slot, any way possible, with all my might! The lady couldn't stand to watch my pathetic attempts any longer and got somebody who could speak English, turns out i just had to let go of the money and let the tray slide inside. I just started cracking up laughing half out of embarrassment, and half out of relief that the ordeal was finally over as the lady counted my now not so crisp bills, oh what a terrible representation of an American i have made myself out to be.

AWESOME:

• Feeding the birds at Pigeon Square. I still can not walk past and not start singing the song from Mary Poppins in my head
• none of the doors at my apartment or in my school match, every door is different! Some are wooden with cool detailing and old door knobs, some are covered in leather and brass buttons, and some look like safes. In the past when you would move, you took everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, including the door! pretty cool, huh?
• i finally learned how to properly flush a toilet! now give me some credit here, i can push a button, but the toilets here have two buttons, count 'em two! i never knew which one to press, so i would just cover my eyes, spin three times and push at random, but it turns out i was doing it all wrong! turns out the toilets here have a pee flush, AND a poop flush!
• Tubed, bagged, boxed, and wrapped ice cream. AWESOME. fact.
• the food is so light here! i now know a different meaning to the term "stuffed." it just feels different, but i have grown to love it! I'm actually craving dill soup for lunch and those mysterious lumps of meat. carrot beet mash? yes please! there is also very little sugar in food, so when i want sugar i usually go hard core. i think I've had more candy bars here than i have in my whole life time! You can always count on me having a king size Kit Kat bar in my bag at all times
• the snow falls here are breath taking! it look a lot like glitter, so you can imagine how magical it would be to take a night stroll down a quaint glowing street in St. Petersburg watching the snow catch the light in the most beautiful way as it falls. yeah, i did that.
• i never knew you could make so many different varieties of soup with just a basic broth of water and dill
• i love 10 ruble soup packets! these things have become my go to meal! dump out the packet, boil some water, pour, throw in some bread cubes, and whala! you have a tasty and satisfying meal in 2 minutes flat!
• one Sunday we decided to invite over the missionaries to make them an American meal. food of choice: chicken Alfredo with brownies and ice cream. the dessert was a hit, you should have seen how their eyes practically popped out of their heads, but the alfredo....well, i bet they never could say they had alfredo soup before, but now they can!
• i have made a goal: always have 100 rubles on me for beggars on the metro, and keep spare change in my pockets for easy access for the musicians on the street. Though it's not much, it's better than nothing, and sure as heck better than keeping my head down resulting in the worlds most awkward eye contact
• i have discovered my new favorite chocolate bar! it's made only here in St. Petersburg and oooooooh boy oh boy it is truly scrumptious! you could put me in a room full of dogs licking themselves (this is one of my top pet peeves) with one those chocolate bars and i will still be one happy girl
• what is more awesome than finding beer kegs in an IKEA cafeteria? nope. i got nothing.
• it has now become second nature to take my shoes off at the door! do you know how awesome that is? at the beginning i found it so bothersome but now i can do it without thinking! yay for repetition!
• i found a vanilla extract sugar packet at the store. i love the smell of vanilla extract. i stand in the store for 5 minutes just smelling the packet. i buy the packet. i keep the packet by my bed to smell at random. sometimes i get whiffs as I'm trying to sleep. this makes me happy.
• we made smores using the broiler of our oven, and yes...it was awesome.
• i got a miniature lesson from Egor the other day on how to spell my name in Russian, oh how the tables have turned! wasn't i supposed to be the teacher? yet here he was, giving me pats on the back and giving exclaims of approval such as, "very good!", "much better Ms. Allison", and "you sound Russian!" when i could finally roll my R's. Gosh i love that little punk.