WELL OVARIES, IT WAS NICE KNOWING YA

Not too much happened today.

But i did walk across water.

Today you will discover why i was named Allison Inappropriate Roe, so mother please look away, and well...anybody else with a knowledge of social etiquette. The Russian's believe that if a woman sat on the ground during the Russian winter that her ovaries would freeze. Well, then i can't even imagine what they would say if they heard of a woman pulling down her pants on a frozen river, under a bridge, in broad daylight.

One can not hold their pee forever! With the combination of the cold and anxiety of walking on frozen water the need just became excruciating! I knew that i would not make it to land, so i knew there was just one thing to do...pee on a frozen river. Testing the ice as i took each step, I waddled underneath the bridge. If i was going to do this i must at least protect my own dignity, but also have the courtesy (that i even dare to use this word right now is beyond me) to not scar the eyes of the innocent strolling pedestrians.

Now i have peed many a time in the wilderness, girls camp saw very well to that, but i have never felt this amount of fear as well as a thrilling sense of adventure than at a time as this. Surprisingly, it wasn't too cold! Needless to say why, and with every second that passed i feared that i would fall through the ice where i stood! But in the end, when all was done, i waddled back to land, and i can assure you and all of Russia......i still have my ovaries.

A SIBERIAN SATURDAY AND A SUNDAY SUNDAE

(Sigh)......the weekend. oh glorious weekend....welcome back! it really has been too long, but that's OK, because you made up for it by started out juuuuust right. that's right folks, this weekend i started out my morning making blini with our tour guide, Sveta. blini is like a staple here, everybody eats them because you can stuff them with practically anything, sweet, savory.......uhhhh, well that's about it. while everybody else was standing at a distance leaving sveta to her work, there i was... breathing down sveta's neck while trying to get pictures declaring, "this is for the blog!", and boy oh boy was it worth it! i mean look at these shots! (just roll with me people, after being mocked and laughed at i felt that i should at least post up the efforts that resulted in my humiliation and a loss of pride).

Behold, the bowl of blini batter.....

.....the plethora of contents that were placed upon the blini. Once upon a time there was a block of cheese there, but after tasting a piece, i then immediatly spit the rancid disgrace into the garbage. I thought cheese was suppossed to taste better with age!  When i bought it i thought it was chedder, it was orange like chedder, maybe it once was chedder....all i know is...it most definently wasn't chedder.

 

Blini flavor of the day: Smoregesborg! Complete with teddy grams, chocolate chips, mini marshmallows, and sweetened condensed milk. just leave it up to us Americans to turn something Russian into gool ol' American camping cuisine.

Behold: the happy American. Yes, it did include much nonrhythmic humming and peppy head bobbles

and one more time for kicks and giggles....Behold: this is the view from the kitchen window of our apartment, bonus! Every morning i get to eat my Russian porridge, or strange coconut cereal that doesn't get soft no matter how long you let it sit in the milk, peanut butter toast (which is like gold! I brought my own jar of JIF because peanut butter is so expensive here), drink what i think is hot chocolate but to be honest am not sure if it's meant to be for hot chocolate or chocolate milk, or in this case eat my Smoregesborg blini, and watch the sunrise. Eight floors up is hard on the legs but it sure is easy on the eyes!

I would like to announce/brag that today i bought my metro tokens speaking in complete Russian! All three words! an easy task you say? well for anybody else it might be, but for a girl who forgets somebodies name the second they are told, this was quite a feat! So you sure can bet that i was fist pumping and heel clicking in my head as i walked away jingling those tokens of pride and glory in my pocket.

My moment of glory was cut short as i was boarding the escalator with my head held up so high that i forgot to look down and totally speed bumped an old man. for those of you who are not caught up in the lingo of social collisions, speed bumping means to step one ones heel from behind. Now i was told many a thing before coming out to Russia, most of which were just down right lies. Included in these warnings was that they HATE to have their shoes stepped on, getting dirt of their shoes...well you might as well slap their babushka. I would like to confirm that this particular warning is not false, but in fact, FACT! Never have i received such a piercing gaze of hatred. I believe this man was trying to destroy my soul from the inside, because there was definite eye contact. He looked down at his shoe, then back up at me as i began to plead, "isvanite!" One more look at his shoe, one more soul destroying glare and off he walked further down the escalator to distance himself from me. That was the longest wait of my life as I stood in silence the rest on the way down, occasionally looking forward only to meet those eyes. Awkward? yes. Will my soul ever recover? we shall see.

Since being here i have felt the cold. I have felt the cold to the point of my legs going numb, to the point that my hair goes white from catching the moisture of my breath, so cold that i feel as though i can be suffocated by my own frozen snot. But never have i felt a cold such as this, it truly is a strange sensation to have your lips starting to go so numb that you start talking with a blubbering lisp, if you're having difficulties picturing this then just imagine what it's like after receiving numbing shots from the dentist. See it? good, moving on. As i walked on, talking/blubbering, not knowing if my legs were still with me or had fallen off into some gutter, I was seriously beginning to question my sanity until i saw the whole purpose of my journey, the Smolny Cathedral.

You can bet your babushkas (im not sure if you've noticed but i have a thing for the babushkas) bottom my jaw dropped when i turned the corner, and with the addition of the numb lips, well i think its safe to say that i was in great need of the drool mop.

I was one happy driveling girl.

Once inside we payed 100 rubles to climb to the top of one of the towers to see the view of the city. seeing that the sun was setting, we huffed and puffed to the top as fast as our legs could take us....wait, can we stop this thrilling story for just a second? i thought i should let you know that i just discovered that the cereal i bought only yesterday, that i have been munching on for the past half hour, expired four months ago.....ok, continuing on. When we reached the top and got to the door, we stopped to savor the moment, took a deep breath (which in my case was just a breath seeing that every breath i took was a deep breath), and walked out to see....(angels singing)

whether it was the numb lips or the absolute stunningly gorgeous view, my jaw dropped

overlooking the frozen Neva River

the best 100 rubles I've ever spent...

at the bottom of the railing i could see tons of coins half buried in the snow, and when you see coins on the ground the first assumption is, WISHES!! so i dug into my money belt, which i realized might as well be a huge sign saying, "Hello! I'm a tourist!" because believe it or not, people don't usually keep money down their pants but in an actual wallet! Anywho, i pull out 50 kopecks (equivalent to a penny and a half. you can tell how much faith i have in this whole wishing thing), and made the classic cheesy wish of health and happiness, blast... i just told you my wish, there goes all my hopes of a long happy life.

The smile of  pure mischievous rebellion. i crossed over the railing to crawl into this claustrophobic brick hole. was it worth it? absolutely.

Don't let this sign fool you, this bathroom was not in the least bit classy or lady like, the stench was so bad i had to resort to breathing through my mouth which actually may have been worst. With each breath i could feel my tongue just being coated with the thick stench.

With our mission complete we bundled up once more and ventured out into the courtyard. Walking out we saw two large buses of people parked in the front when out popped a bride and a groom! It's old tradition in Russia to go around the city and take pictures at all the major sites, and we just so happened to be at the perfect spot at the wrong time. I'm sure all the wedding guests in the buses were having a good laugh as i was slipping and sliding around the courtyard trying not to get in their picture, looking like a uncoordinated, dancing, black, abominable snowman. When i finally exited the danger zone we were off to find a Russian bakery in hopes of gobbling down a nice hot pastry.

We came across a quaint hidden bakery, which just smelled of sweet goodness the moment you walked in. there was no way to decipher what anything was, so it was a more point at what looked good and just keep your fingers crossed that what you got was not filled with goose jelly. 

My luck pulled through! my pastry was not filled with goose jelly but with a sweetened cream cheese filling! the sweet old lady heated it up for me, and it was truly scrumptious.

You know that awkward moment when you have to pee so bad that you bend down and act like you're scratching your leg or tying your shoe just to try to hold it in? well that was me, but in my case i was acting like i was looking at slippers on the bottom shelf in the grocery store. I'm pretty sure the cold has shrunk my bladder because I've never had to go to the bathroom so often. I never thought it would come to the point that i would have to go to the bathroom so bad that a package of toilet paper would look better than a new pair of work pants.

Sunday i learned three things: first, do not yell out, "SHOOT!" in the middle of sacrament meeting when you realize that you forgot it was fast sunday. You will receive many varieties of looks, none of them being good. Second, little boys over here are still rocking the mullet. And third, make sure the missionaries have health insurance before they start translating, because looking back on them throughout sacrament they were all breaking out in a sweat, wiping their foreheads, beginning to breath heavier, im pretty sure one checked his pulse, and to be honest wouldn't be surprised if one ended up with an ulcer.

Brother and Sister Hazelwood invited us over for a good ol' home cooked meal of chili and loaded baked potatoes, bless their sweet souls. Brother Hazelwood was even kind enough to whip out some fried chicken gizzards, and surprisingly.....not too shabby! chewy, but definently eddible. I stuffed myself till content, then i stuffed myself even more with banana's and ice cream. notice how i separated the two words, that's how i like my sundae's strangly enough.

On our way back home, with bellies full of hearty home cooked goodness, a sunday nap was just calling our names, and  in no way did we resist! We took advantage of the metro ride home to take a quick snooze

I couldn't resist sharing this picture with you, after laughing to the point that i was just heaving like an old man i thought i should share the joy. This is kylee, kylee's hosting mother decided to dress her out of fear she was not warm enough, kylee waddled around Russia looking like a black bear/Sasquatch. And you know something isn't right when even the Russians are giving you weird looks when you're wearing a fur coat.

HORROR: THE SECOND STAGE OF CULTURE SHOCK

I went into the next few days of teaching the old kindergarten kids with full confidence that i would have just as much success as day #1. And if you can call days full of screaming, running, crying, and a mob of rebellious children a success, then that's exactly what it was.
With a stomach full of fish and dill dumpling soup, and a second stomach full of bread, i looked up at the clock to see that i was only five minutes into our opening exercises, It was at that moment that i questioned my sanity and wondered what the heck have i gotten myself into. Even though we had just covered rule #3-listen to the teacher, not one of the kids wanted to listen let alone sing, and to actually sit in their spots for more than a minute was just out of the question! Gym time just turned into chaos as they all found that watching ms. allison tearing at her hair was much more amusing than learning prepositions like, "up", "down", "behind", and "in front." Repeating back what we we're saying would just be too predictable, so the children decided to shake things up and all yell ( i do not exaggerate this word) out what we said as well as any random numbers, colors, and Russian words, some of which i don't think would have been appropriate for a sophisticated conversation...because children have sophisticated conversations. Can you believe that our #1 rule is, "NO RUSSIAN!" ha! good luck with that one.
Allie, who has decided to be the class pet, would crawl around on all fours like a cat, but squeak like a mouse, and when i told her to sit down she would say to me, "i don't want to play, i want to sleep" and would then then crawl away and either hide underneath a bed, or find a sunny spot and curl up into a ball.
I finally had a moment of silence when i had the kids coloring and decorating their cups, of course they also zoned me out of the picture entirely. They wanted to color, who cares about English when you have markers, foam stickers, and so much creativity at your fingertips?
While playing follow the leader i accidentally led them into a dead end and on just instinct sent them all under the beds....at the same time.....not good. the second i did that i was like...what have i done?! I just stood their, numb, as the scuffling began to become more frantic...and then all i could hear were muffled yells and screams as it began to grow louder and louder.
Yaygwar, who dreams of being a police man, decided to leave the sweet heart breaker side of him at home, instead packing extra amounts of turd. Tackling girls to the ground, pulling on hair, and grabbing things out of my hand was his new passion. I knew that him listening to me was out of the question so i did what i do best, bribery. I came up with this brilliant idea of a teachers special helper badge for whoever is the best that day, so that the next day they can be my helper, making all the kids envious so that they had no choice but to behave and become my little slaves. I was so proud of myself, it had to work, there was no room for error! You can only guess how yaygwar's eyes light up when i showed him the golden shiny badge. yes, i had him! But then i tried to explain to him that if he was good TODAY i would let him be my helper and wear the badge TOMORROW. this did not register, he wanted it now. not later, and what do children do when they want something? what we all do! cry.
Yaygwar began to cry because he wanted the golden badge, allie started to cry because she got hit in the cheek by a ball and then crawled underneath the bed, alica tried to get allie out from under the bed and allie flicker her in the forehead to go away, so alica started to cry and crawled under the bed. veronica tried to help alica and hit her head on the bed, she started to cry. Nastya got mad because she wasn't getting enough attention and stepped on a girls toe, who...you guessed it, started to cry. Those who weren't crying ganged up nastya, who then did the loudest piercing scream possible. Can you picture the predicament i was in?....standing in the middle of the classroom, mind blank, mouth open, hair a mess, while half the class was crying under beds and the other half ganging up on nastya who was just screaming like there was no tomorrow. Finally a Russian teacher came in and calmed everything down, and then all the little girls gathered together into a group hug nurturing each other in Russian, and i felt like i wouldn't have a heart or soul if i told them to stop speaking in Russian, so i made just that one exception.
But it doesn't end here oh no, with still fifteen minutes left of class the kids wanted to do nothing but count their stars, so the children did something that i never believed possible. They formed a freaking mob! Alisa, who decided to make herself the leader of the mob, stood at the head, one leg up on a stool, fist pumping  as all the others were gathered around her chanting, "count the stars! count the stars! count the stars!" I didn't know what to do, I was not trained for this! So i did what first came to my mind (blast this darn instinct of mine) and caved in. The children counted their stars like champions as ms. allison and ms. kylee sat there defeated....bewildered as to what just happened. As i gave yaygwar his badge i knew i would never see it again, there was no way he was going to bring that back, he didn't understand my brilliant plan, he just wanted the badge.
I never thought the day would come that i would become so stressed that i would actually get to the point of tearing at my hair, but oh......today....today was that day.

"HELLO MS ALLISON!"

Whoever says there is no such thing as love at first sight has obviously not taught Russian children, because i am now a victim of the very thing! Today was my first day of teaching at the "Old Kindergarten" or so we ILP members call it, where i will be teaching Russian kindergartners aging from six to seven, two hours a day, five days a week.

Now i know this looks like prison cell #31, but i promise you there are many a laughs and smiles happening behind these cold stone walls

After seeing the pictures of the children just the day before i was just so excited to kick butt (not the kids, I'm pretty sure that's illegal) and just teach my head off (ummm....this would probably be bad as well if taken literally). I had been nervous all week and now i just looking forward to start on the whole purpose of why i was here, and as an added bonus i took a big leap forward and was only awake for 45 minutes last night! I think I'm beginning to see that jet lag fading away into the distance, hallelujah!
I was all set up in my room anxiously awaiting, when the little skippers started to march in and sat on the benches in front of me, the second i saw them i was just all smiles, i don't know what is is about these kids but they gave this all powerful energy that made me feel like i could run a marathon and bring world peace, what i mean to say is...i felt good.
I was introduced by my head teacher and when the children all looked up at me and said in unison with their little Russian accents, "hello ms allison!" i fell in love with them right there and then. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a second mop, one for the drool and the other for all the times when my heart melts into a puddle at my feet.
I don't know if the parents here just lost all creativity when it came to picking their children's names, have a passion for rhyming, or are just plain cruel because in my class i have alina, alisa #1, alisa #2, liza, misha, natasha, nastya, katya, veronica, allie, and yaygwar. When they were all sitting in their spots i surprisingly could remember their names, but when they were all running around screaming i had to resort to pointing and yelling, "hey you!" When all else fails i just make up names for them like Mr. Bummble me Bottom, or Ms. Nick Nack, or their person favorite, Shlaknametokplona.
It was so strange, but i just felt in my element. Now this may come to a surprise to you all, so i would brace yourself....you ready? OK, so I'm sort of a kid at heart. Crazy, right?! I love to laugh, i stomp my feet when I'm frustrated, i do a special little hum and dance when the food I'm eating is making me particularly happy, and i sleep with a night light. Enough said. So when i was teaching these kids i was just in the mode, i found my groove, i was jiggling the jelly, i was playing with that playdough, i was....well you get my point. My first lesson was to be an arts and crafts project (can this be any more perfect, i mean artsy fartsy should be my middle name! just kidding mom and dad, i like my middle name) and what better to start with than with a shnazy noodle shaker, complete with crayola marker doodles, foam stickers, penne pasta and a sandwich bag. brilliance in a cup!

I sat down on the floor and the children just zoomed right onto me (this could actually be taken quite literal), while most kneeled so close that it would have been socially frowned upon if they knew what a personal bubble was, others were practically sitting on my lap. Now the goal is not to make the craft per say, but just to encourage the kids to speak. So i would describe each item, how it looks, how it feels and all the things you can do with it. I pulled out a paper cup and made just a small hole in the bottom so they could peek through it and i would say "who do you see ____?" and they would press the cup firmly on their eye and then squirm right up to me, pressing the other end on my face and exclaim, "i see ms allison!" i mean come on...time to bring out the heart puddle mop, clean up on isle 10!
Another winner item was the feather, i would show them how soft the feather was and then would go around and swipe the feather of each of their faces and they would just close their little eyes and for one glorious second allowed themselves to be transported to another world of all things soft and cuddly. One little girl i believe, started to purr, then again she was acting like a cat the entire class. When the other children were seated in their spots, allie would be curled up by my feet rubbing her cheek on my ankle despite my efforts to convince her that she was a human child.
All the kids got really excited when they would see my over the top energy, and just cracked up laughing at my cheesy jokes,and nothing makes you feel cooler than making a room full of six and seven year old laugh right? who needs to make adults laugh? ha! not me...nope...phfff.....over rated....ha...ha ha...hooo. Sometimes I would be so zoned in with the kids that i would totally forget that i wasn't the only teacher and that i actually have a partner in crime to help teach as well. whoops!
Yaygwar, the ladies man/trouble maker of the class really got a kick out of my goofy faces and would pat me on the shoulder saying and say in a matter of a fact tone, "you are funny ms allison." Yeah! Brownie points for me! And throughout the rest of class he would make himself as broad as possible trying to save me a spot on the bench, and by saving a mean more shoving kids out of the way saying, "no! this is for ms allison!" and when i would sit next to him he would rest his rest his elbow on my knee with his face resting in his hand. Gosh this sucker is a real heart breaker.
I couldn't believe it when i saw the time was up and all the kids were giving me hugs saying goodbye. At lunch the other teachers just told me how how great they thought i was (am a tooting my horn loud enough for ya?) and that i was just in the zone, i had those kids wrapped around my finger, and oh boy was that the best thing to hear! so i happily gobbled down my dill soup and my strange square of meat (which for one glorious moment i thought was a brownie sprinkled with powdered sugar) with the pinkish/bloody center with gusto and, though exhausted, was looking forward to my next class at the private school later that afternoon.

I was burping up those meat fumes during the entire fifteen minute walk to the metro, the 11 metro stops, and the other ten minute walk to the private school on the other side of st.pete. Here i would be teaching diana, saumya, palina, igor, and gregory, who were only three to five year old. I would be teaching them two hours a day, twice a week, and these kids, well these kids were just as cute if not cuter, so naturally I thought to myself, well my first lesson went great so this will be a piece of cake! oh.....oh what a fool i was.
I realized that a lot of my time at the old kindergarten was spent organizing all the kids and getting them to listen and cooperate, well these kids, these kids were TOO good (wow, i never thought i would say that). They weren't screaming, they weren't stepping on toes, they weren't blabbering in Russian. They just sat there, like perfect children should, just staring at me. At arts and crafts time i totally ran out of idea with still fifteen minutes to go so i made a desperate attempt and stuck a pipe cleaner in a plastic bag and waved it around like a flag. The kids just looked at me like i was crazy, and if i had a mirror I'm sure i would have done the same exact thing. Never have i felt the pressure to wear a big red nose, a rainbow wig and put on a large pair of striped pants than at that moment. With 45 minutes still to go me and my fellow teacher were clean out of ideas, so we just had them stick animal stickers on a plastic lunch bag. I bet the parents were happy to see such a masterpiece being brought home to them. 
Leaving private i needed a good pick me up so i went to a store and bought myself two pairs of large, 100% Russian, itchy, wool socks. I planned to go home, put on a pair of those socks and binge like there was no tomorrow. Walking home i learned one thing: don't wear tights and walk in -14 degree weather. By the halfway mark my legs had lost all feeling except for that pleasantly sharp needle pricking which I'm pretty sure was just my legs giving me the friendly reminder of, "hey! Hi. Remember me? your legs? yeah I'm still here, but if you don't hurry up I'm going to give up and you can just crawl home." Which then moved onto a strange sensation of cold burning, at which point i would randomly stop and slap my legs to get their senses back and remind them that we are all in this together and not to give up on me.
At last i had reached the apartment but what do i find to my surprise but that the elevator was broken! Of course, because we wouldn't want to make this easy for you, would we? so up i went, one flight at a time, 16 flights of stairs, feel the burn (both from the exercise and from my legs recovering from the cold). That night i ate a whole pizza by myself. At first i started out with a fork, for manners sake. Then i began to rip with my hands, for the sake of taking small bites to not choke myself. Then i just picked up the whole thing and went at it like a beast, fork and napkin alone and cold by the wayside.

Congratulations. You have finished your first day of teaching.

20 AND IN RUSSIA!

My speaking alarm clock is always on cue, the moment 8:30 am comes around there she is to wake me from my slumber, sometimes i really just wish she would be late for once. I stumbled out of bed and slouched my way to the kitchen to begin my search through the bread bag for the non-moldy slice of bread, popped it into the toaster and then proceeded to make myself a cup of hot chocolate milk. Eyes still not open to full capacity, i propped myself up against the window when suddenly it dawned on me....February 6th....why do i feel that this date is relative to me? That it has some sort of significant importance to my existence....hmmmm i suddenly feel my maturity level rising, my woman hood growing, is it just me or do i look older? why do i have the sudden urge to put on a two piece suit and a pair of stilettos? ok, maybe this is a bit of an exaggeration, i never, nor will i ever have the urge to wear such a deadly article of clothing. But what i do not exaggerate is that it is MY BIRTHDAY!! Folks this girl has now graduated from her awkward teen years and has now stepped into her awkward 20's! You didn't think just because i was 20 i was going to leave behind my awkwardness did you? come now.
Speaking of stepping, i was late for teaching! i hurried and stepped into my mismatched socks (well, the motion was more of a pulling, but i had to find some way to transition and make a connection with the whole stepping thing) and scarfed down my piece of toast, which through the crunch still had the slight taste of mold (note to self: go grocery shopping). I was determined to find an outfit that matched with my Aquarius necklace, telling myself that my birthday was the day, if any, to wear such a thing! four outfits later, i was out the door.
I knew the kids didn't know it was my birthday, but by some miracle i think their conscience told them to act less like turds and be more human, and alas they were! I couldn't have asked for a better class, the kids laughed right on cue when i made an imitation of an elephant and loved my narration when it was story time. We got so involved that we didn't even get to gym or arts and crafts, hoorah! While playing with the kids i was pulled out by my head teacher, and just asked me how i was doing and if i had any concerns. Of course, knowing me, i seized the opportunity with gusto and just went off in a storm of arm waving and a mouth that could only be seen moving at a normal rate if it was played in slow motion. My head teacher just sat there, nodding and smiling and would randomly look at her phone, and once left to go check on my class as i sat there oblivious to the situation. Oh what a naive fool i was...
I walked back into my classroom and was immediately stormed with a chorus of what i think was an attempt at the happy birthday song but instead just heard random, "Happy Birthday!", "...dear Ms. Allison", and I'm pretty sure i heard a, "...you smell like monkey!" Then the whole class stampeded to give me a group hug which then turned more into a competition to see who can touch as much of Ms. Allison as they possibly can at one time. While being malled with the not so gentle signs of affection I looked up to see that they had made me a birthday present! All of the kids had drawn to their hearts content on a large paper heart, finishing it off with their signature, and i must say....one of the best birthday presents ever!!

You can see on the far right how Allie drew a cat as her self portrait, hmmm...should i begin to worry? Apparently my girls believe that they have rainbows for hair, heart shaped eyes, that crowns adorn each of their heads, that there is no need for all five fingers if any at all, and that flowers grow to be larger than your face. Honestly, i adore children for their imagination (raise your hand if you just pictured spongebob saying, "imagination" complete with the rainbow hand movements).

 My class! Missing just a few, including my police man, Egor

As if the day couldn't get any better i had my favorite meaty potato carrot mash concoction for lunch! Did someone tip the cooks? or destiny? either way i gobbled it down (if you haven't noticed i don't really have a normal rate of eating food, but turn towards the more aggressive form of eating). I couldn't finish the mound of bread however so i stuffed a few slices in my purse to feed to the birds on my way home. I'm pretty sure this is the third or fourth time that i have stuffed bread into my purse, and the rate is growing at an abnormal pace. While devouring lunch Ludmilla, rhe head teacher of the school came in bearing gifts and then SHE began to sing me happy birthday, even though she does not speak a word of English. I looked into the bag and saw that she had given me a porcelain statue of a dog, but not just any dog, a Russian dog as Ludmilla told me multiple times in her very strong accent. I was so overjoyed to receive such a gift that i jumped up out of child size wooden chair to give her a hug and knocked over the dog! did you gasp? good, that's what i was going for, but do not worry! The dog survived, but I'm sure Ludmilla was second guessing giving me such a fragile gift, maybe a bag of cotton balls would have been more sufficient.
I have discovered that going on walks while listening to my music is one of my favorite pass times, and this is exactly what i did when i was going to teach my next class. You know how everybody asks you if you feel older when it's your birthday? Well i actually did! i was just thinking to myself and realized that not even a year ago i never would have considered moving to Russia, not knowing anybody, and volunteering to teach English to children. The thought would have scared me to death! Yet, here i was, venturing through the maze of the metro, walking the streets completely alone and being totally fine with it. When did i grow up? I'm trying to think of what that special moment was that made me grow up, and all im coming up with to thank is puberty.
I knew it would be too good to be true to have two great classes in one day, but oh it was! The little tots were just wonderful and got a real kick when we played the emotion game and when we did "laughing" i would laugh like a big fat man and grab my belly and do the classic knee slap. Story time was yet another hit, these kids really like the elephant imitation, but I'm also just thinking that kids just like when you look like a fool. We had two kids pee their pants during class, we even had to remove one chair which had a nice little glistening puddle atop it. I took that as lesson to learn the signs of a full bladder. I just thought that the children were making inappropriate gestures and dances, and trying to tell us their desperate situation with scrunched up faces, that they were just playing around, so i would just tell them to go sit back down. Little did i know...

Arriving at my apartment door Suzie was have a particularly hard time getting the key into the door and i guess forgot as to what direction to turn the key. After a long and noisy process we entered through the door, and i walked in to behold...

A surprise birthday party!

All the teachers had pitched in to surprise me with my very first birthday party, complete with banner...

Flowers fresh from the 24 hour flower shop just down the street...(you never know when you might need to buy flowers at 4 in the morning)

Some of the best pizza that i have ever had the pleasure to devour, and believe me Ive had a lot of Hot n' Ready pizzas in my days...

But really, this pizza was AMAZING! That exclamation mark above my head pretty much sums up all the thoughts and emotions i was having at that moment

Awwww.....guys, a present?! you shouldn't have!

I find that looking away AND closing your eyes just adds more excitement and suspense, and believe me mom, the thought of saving the paper did cross my mind

A Russian approved curling iron! My own curling iron had too high of a voltage, so i now have my very own curling iron that doesn't explode when plugged in, and heats up to a toasty 180 degrees

Ok, so for as long as i can remember my family has had the tradition that for each birthday we would get a can of pringles, so i just busted up laughing when i saw that the tradition lives on! I was also gifted with a beautiful balloon woman, and see those two blue balloons? Those are hands, NOT breasts, and you would be a fool if your first intention was to shake the balloon to make it shimmy thinking that that's what they were. Hello. My name is Ally, and i am a fool.

I walked into my bedroom to see that they had adorned my wall with post it notes written with words that they thought described me. At the moment they think i am: gentle, a freaking sweet heart, a fabulous teacher, wonderful, have awesome curly hair, patient, creative, have a sweet smile, quirkely adorable, that i love everyone genuinely, kind, hilarious, inappropriate, adorable, peacemaker, and artsy fartsy. I do not post these to brag, but to use these for my defense when they come to their senses.

 Mark was sweet enough to pick up a cake! He said he just strolled into one of the local bakeries and pointed to the first girly cake he saw. Ain't it perdy? Do not let your eyes be deceived, because i can tell you that this cake was one of the worst tasting cakes that i have ever tasted. The frosting was I'm pretty sure pure sweetened Crisco, the crumble tasted like stale sugar lumps, and the cake wasn't even cake, but more of a sweetened multi grain cookie, but hey, it's the thought that counts right?

We tried to convince Mark to become our "exotic" dancer and pop out of the cake to redeem himself from his horrible taste in cake, but i was looking at that cake thinking that the only human small enough to pop out of that cake would be a fetus

This moment was caught during my exclamation of joy when i was told that we would be watching one of my favorite movies of all time! The Labyrinth!

David Bowie. Tight tights. Wig. Glitter. Need i say more?

 

There could not have been a more perfect way to end the night. Thanks to all the teachers i had one of the best birthdays ever! They were all so sweet and giving, and went above and beyond to make me feel loved, and to be there with me to celebrate my big 2-0!

3 METRO STOPS AND A FIFTEEN MINUTE WALK IS WHERE YOU WILL FIND ME ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Nothing makes a first impression quite like the plaid picnic table shirt, and well, that's exactly what i chose to wear to my first day of church. I am a Mormon. I love being a Latter-day Saint with all my heart, and i cant remember the last time i was so excited for church! Seeing the missionaries waiting for us at the metro immediatly put a big smile on my face and gave me this warm feeling inside like i was getting a big ol' hug. The chapel is located on the first floor of this huge blue apartment complex, and upon walking in I was pleasently surpised to see the same familiar walls, the same art work that I have known for as long as i can remember, and if you can believe it,  it even had the same smell! (LDS members, you know just what im talking about)
All eyes were on us as we made our late entrance into the chapel (we're bringing the fashionably late thing back in style), and the missionaries sat directly behind us and translated the talks that were being given. The opening hymn was one of my favorites, and the chapel was filled with the sound of sweet Russian praise, and.....the Americans who stuck out like sore thumb with their singing in what might as well have been jibberish.
The first speaker started his talk and one of the missionaries, who was from Georgia, was silent for a moment, cleared his throat, and then said, "Ok...I do not understand that." I totally snorted out a laugh as the other missionary from Ukraine to prophesy into the backs of our heads. At one point during a talk he said, "You guys need to learn Russian." I felt so bad, so i tried my best to give him comfort and just kept nodding my head to make it very clear that i was listening, even when he mixed up the word "salary" with "celery." As the next speaker rose to speak I turned back and asked if he was up to translating another talk, and his reply, "Do i have a choice?" I guess it was a good thing that today's talks were on service and charity.
It really was amazing to see how the gospel unites all the members around the world, one speaker told us that we must be united, with one heart, and one mind, and it just really made me appreciate having the gospel in my life, and how blessed i am to have the opportunity to attend church even when im on the other side of the world. Even when Relief Society was directed by a priesthood holder, it was still a confirmation that things may done a little different, but the gospel is always the same, and when you allow it to have a part in your life you will always have a little piece of home.
After our meetings we made the voyage back to the apartment, my thighs stiff and sore from all our little adventures yesterday (i swear im going to have the hottest, pale, and hairy muscular legs when im done here), and we began to start planning our vacations! During our time here we are allowed to visit Ukraine, Sweden, Finland, Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia, and if we're good, Poland! It was so awesome and at gave me butterflies to be hearing the words coming out of my mouth about traveling to all these countries, knowing that it wasn't just a fantasy, but reality! And what made it even better was my discovery of my new favorite 8 rubel packet of soup! It tastes like gravy! Now if that doesn't sound good to you, then something is just not right. Of course this is coming from the girl who ate a bowl full of ice cream everyday in middle school and has a picture of chocolate chip cookies saved in her "Eye Candy" folder.
There was one thing that was said in church today that really stuck out to me, "Every sunday can be something special." Happy sunday!

WELL THIS IS EMBARRASSING....

Well folks (i love how i talk as if i had a huge audience), you'll never guess what i just discovered. Turns out that matt10012 is not in fact the hunky chunk man with lucious locks of hair, masculine large hairy arms, and pecs as large as dinner plates as i imagined. My fantasy man is, but in fact....my best girlfriend, McCall Mathews. Ummm...whoops! But that's ok, because even though you dont have pecs as large as dinner plates (ummm....yeaaah.), or a muscular hairy body (haha! ha. ha....ha.), you do have the softest, shiniest, best smelling hair that i have ever had the privledge to be smothered by (McCall and i were bed buddies all last summer). So....ummmm....welcome! You know what, i would choose you over a man that i could use as a dinner plate any day! In fact, i would prefer YOU as a dinner plate! Oh gosh...im not making this any better, am i? Well, i should go before i really start to embarass myself. Oh, but before i go i would like to direct anybody who is having a bad day, who would like just a little light reading as well as a bursted gut, to go to thewaitlister.blogspot.com. Revenge is sweet McCall.

ENGLISH HUGS

Seeing English here is like getting a big warm hug, and seeing English used in the right context here, well that's like getting a big hug AND friendly pat on the bum (too much?). So I've been trying to get the hang of basic communication, i even took out my handy dandy pen and transformed my hand into a mobile cheat sheet, but every time i have the perfect opportunity by brain just farts, my eyes glaze over, and I'm sure if you listened hard enough you would be able to hear the faint "puff" as my brain deflated. The thought has crossed my mind to just tattoo Russian phrases all over my body. Do you think tattoo's would be acceptable as long as they were for educational purposes?
I was on my way down to the metro, standing on the right side of course because it's just common courtesy to stand on the right so that those who are late for a very important date can zoom right past on the left. I tried that whole zooming down the escalator thing...not good, especially since i was known at school as the girl who always tripped both up and down the stairs, usually bringing those withing a three foot radius of me down as well as I'm frantically searching for something stable. After what felt like an eternity I totally started to lose my coordination and i would have to stop for a moment to compose myself for fear that i would lose my footing and make it into Ripley's Believe or Not as the girl who made the longest, most dramatic, most pathetic stair fall in history.
It's so funny standing on the train trying as hard as I can to find that thing on the floor that everybody seems so tranced by, and for some reason everybody seems to see it but me, so i eventually give up and just take in my surroundings. Gotta love that awkward moment when you make eye contact with someone, and then for the next five minutes you're playing a game of eye tag, but it's even more awkward here because every time i make eye contact i silently ask for forgiveness for intruding on their soul. What's even funnier is having a mini heart attack and declaring in a not so calm voice, "Why are we moving with the doors open?!" only to then realize that it was just the other train moving as we were safely dormant on the other side of the station.
 Walking over to the school for lunch i had the pleasant sensation of having the peach fuzz on my cheeks freeze over as it caught the mositure from my breath. It's like every day is a new opportunity to discover those little surprises as to what parts of my body can freeze. I almost can't believe it when i hear that this is a mild winter!
So today i tasted my first 100% authentic Russian meal! We have this cute little chef at our school who makes us lunch five days of the week, i hear that somedays you just want to lick the bowl clean and others you just gotta down that sucker and not think about it! I am happy to say that it was definently a bowl licking worthy meal. Today was dill soup (which i would soon learn that i will be saying that same phrase every five days for the next four months), which is basically flavored water with LOTS of dill, a delish meaty potato carrot mash, and TONS of bread.

 Yeah you see that piece of bread? Yeah that piece was just the taste tester of the appetizer of the meal of bread i ate for lunch that day. You think I'm exaggerating on the amount of bread they give us, but oh no, I'm not kidding.

Behold, the mound of bread.

 On my way to find the bathroom to wash my hands i learned two things: none of their doors match which you would think would make it easier to find the bathroom, and that when you walk in on two Russian woman, dressed all in white, folding laundry and the room goes silent as they give you a "who the heck are you?" look, you can assume that that is not the bathroom.
We were given portfolios of the children we would be teaching after lunch, and seeing the pictures of their cute little Russian faces, their cute little Russian noses, their big Russian eyes, their blond Russian hair, their little Russian ear lobes, and those tender little Russian smiles, just got me so excited! I was ready for teacher mode.
So that's my day! And there's no better way to finish off a day than walking home with a baguette of bread under one arm and a tube of ice cream (yes, that's right. i said tube) under the other. Until next time! Farewell and goodnight!

P.S. Welcome matt10012! Congratulations for being my first official follower and for beating my fiendish friends to the punch! (Yes, you know who you are...Annie...McCall....Andrea....)

P.S.S. I would like to take this time to shout out to my second and third follower! She is glorious, she is fantastic, she is big hearted, she's got one big booty, she has given me her "hand me down's" since i was knee high to a grasshopper, she fed me when i was poor, she has always been there for me, she is more than i could have ever asked for, folks I am proud to introduce my second follower as....my sister! Sage Hennen! And thirdly... he is the first one i ever got, he's cute, he's cuddly, he's got a soul of full of passion and dances move you wouldn't believe, he likes to make inappropriate jokes at weddings, he's got a heart of gold this one, he's.....my brother-in-law! Justin Allen! Welcome!

P.S.S.S. Don't be expecting such a grand welcoming all you future followers. This girl only has so much.

THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING

I know it sounds cliche and MAYBE a little cheesy, but i couldn't think of a better line to describe what i did all day, well other than that pioneer song as they "walked, and walked, and walked, and walked, and walked, aaaaaand walked." Well, actually i cant even say i did that today, that would be a lie, i did that yesterday. Because right now, it's 6 a.m. and surprise surprise! i cant sleep! So it's just me, my laptop, and my x-ray blanket all cozied up and ready to blog about all of yesterdays adventures!

10 ruble ice cream (can i just say how much im loving this whole no tax thing?!). You can't top that, well you could if you had some hot fudge, ha ha! ha. ha. haaaaa. OK, it sounded really witty and a lot funnier in my head, but really it was the perfect start for the day to be licking an ice cream cone while walking around IKEA which was also connected to the mega mall. The mega mall! Gosh guys, I'm trying to keep the pounds on my money belt if you don't mind. Which is why i am very proud to announce that i did not spend one single ruble! Well except for the ice cream, i will never say no to ice cream.

As i was about to walk out of the mall I found this glorious sign that was just calling my name, nor could i resist the thought of looking like an eskimo with bow adorned pig tails. For all i know i could be advertising some new fancy flavor of sweet jellied tongue ice cream, but whatever it was it definitely got me giggling......hard. Observe:

We got off once more at the golden fish scale stop, walked out to face the Kazan Cathedral which still makes me drool, though a bit more controled this time, but right down the street is the one....the only....Church on Spilled Blood! Needless to say that drool came came a flow'n and i should probably bring a mop with me from now on, because this church, looks like a gingerbread palace embellished with candy!

Just picture a more sophisticated grown up version of a little girl in a candy shop, and that was pretty much me.

You might as well have stuck a huge sticker on my forehead saying "TOURIST" because with all my camera pointing, my "ooooo's" and "ahhhhh's", and all my repeated "ohhhhh myyyy goshhhh" comments, im pretty sure anybody could have made a pretty good guess that i wasn't from around here.

Just a ways from the church is a bridge, but not just any old bridge, oh no, this one is special. This is the Bridge of Kisses, and it's said to be one of the most famously romantic locations in St. Petersburg. It is said that those who kiss here will be happy and enjoy true love, and newlyweds from all over the world come here to place a lock on the railings of the bridge and then throw the key into the river, believing that by doing so their love will be locked away forever in each others hearts. (Here is your cue to "awwwww")

So on....we walked. We walked along the frozen Neva River...

....we walked to the visitor's center which, oh i dont know, just so happed to be located right in palace square! When i turned the corner here i immediatly whipped out the camera with one hand and the drool mop with the other because i knew right there and then that it was time for "tourist mode." The sun was just setting and it made the most beautiful orange haze across the sky, so i hurried and tried to get the shot,and was just about to pat myself on the back when i look up to see that i was totally getting verbally attacked my Captain Hook! You see, they got such positive results when tourists would sell their own child just to take a picture with a Disney character at Disneyland that they just thought "What the heck! Let's just throw our characters all over the world's famous landmarks!" (They=?) And Captain Hook was not happy that i got a free picture of him, but you can see by the picture below that he managed very well at covering his face. So I can now say i was verbally attacked by Captain Hook, in palace square, in Russia, and i can confirm that he is just as much of a codfish in person as he is on TV.

Oh the giggles of happiness that i didnt even try to supress as i was in palace square...

This is the Hermitage, and i plan to spend many a Sunday afternoon walking the countless rooms of art, they say that if you spent 30 seconds looking at each item it would take you 8 years to look at everything. So ive made a game plan that i will spend one blink on each item in order to be able to see every item before i leave. Gosh im good.

Forward we pressed, and on we walked! Once we arrived back at the apartment we all had pizza and had a blindfolded taste test of Pepsi vs. Coca Cola. Sorry Cola fans, Pepsi wins this one.