AN ASTRONAUT AND AN AGGIE

Today two new feats have been made. Firstly, an astronaut with too much gumption for his britches jumped from outer space and free-falled down to Earth at a whopping 833 mph [for all you non-smarty pants out there that's faster than the speed of sound] At 24 miles into space this little daredevil broke the record for the world's highest skydive as well as the highest man balloon flight. Pretty impressive, huh? But that ain't nothing compared to what I'm about to tell you next. Today not only has a man performed a supersonic skydive from the stratosphere, but a girl, this girl in fact, has just been accepted to Utah State University and is now officially an AGGIE!! (cue explosion sound affects) When i opened my letter and saw that Congratulations! the "i just woke up up" crust from my eyes shot out like fireworks. Guys, there is only one thing better than getting a letter in the mail and that is....getting a letter in the mail that begins with Congratulations. As i ran around the kitchen with my I'M IN! sign held above my head screaming out I'M AN AGGIE! [as instructed] i even dare to compare my level of exhilartion to the skydiving astronaut. Eh, what can i say? Some people set there goals for the stars, while others set there goals for Logan, Utah.

PIGS AT SWAN LAKE

You know it's been too long when you find yourself thinking So this is what it feels like to be a girl, and can i tell ya oh boy did it feel good! After a long day of teaching English through the story telling/reenacting of The Three Little Pigs slipping into a skirt, three layers of shirts, two scarves, and a pair of boots is just what a girl needs to feel pampered sometimes. What's the occasion you say? Well this girl inherited a free ticket to see the authentic Russian [we are in Russia after all!] ballet perform Swan Lake! Please wait a moment as i mimic a girl from a Justin Bieber concert.....
I left that apartment strutting my gain 15 lbs instantly and forget all hopes of a waistline coat like i was on top of the world. In my mind the ice just melted wherever my feet landed........apparently the ice had something else in mind for me that day.
Twirling my umbrella i walked along with a little extra swing to my hips when i came to a puddle and i was like hey puddle you look particularly large today, lucky for you I'm feeling particularly hot today so instead of waddling around like a sissy like i do any other day I'm going to hop over you like the confident sophisticated woman i am. By no means was in in any way or form sophisticated as my feet met that ice bringing me down in one fell swoop and thud, leaving me there with legs sprawled (did i mention i chose not to wear tights that day?) umbrella flipped inside out, sitting in a muddy slush puddle. I don't know how but the laws of nature must have been feeling pretty sympathetic that day as i was able to walk away from the incident with only a little mud on my boots cradeling the shattered remains of any pride i had left. Touche puddle. Touche.
 I only got lost once having to pull out my scribbled directions along with cardboard pig snouts, string, markers, pieces of candy, and plastic tokens out of what has now earned the title "The Child Molester Bag." I swear i had every form of temptation for a child in that thing, good to have in class, not so much in public society. Me and Kylee bore through that wind, rain, and slushy snow like champs and took our seats with frizzy hair, red cheeks, wet feet, and half melted make-up like royalty.
Our seats were amazing and though not neccessary my 100 ruble rented bionoculars were on my face as the curtain lifted and before i could even think i loudly exclaiming holy crap! look at his thighs! as the prince lept out onto the stage. It was everything a Russian ballet should be, watching all their elegant prancing and leaps across the stage in tune with the live orchestra below simply magic. I don't even think i know what the back of my chair felt like i was perched on the edge of my seat so much. I had such an appreciation hearing the whole crowd applaude and shout BRAVO! at the end as the Russians don't have many events that encourage such outwardly expression.
That night i gained a whole new appreciation for McDonalds as i was walking home. I found myself in a very desperate situation when lo and behold i saw a bright light ahead, one of the most beautiful sights i had ever seen. Never in my life had a brightly glowing "M" given me such excitment and relief. I ran towards that light, walked strait in, not even glancing at the menu and headed strait for what i came for.....free bathrooms.

RUSSIAN REMINISCING

 

Ok, here's the deal. I am the undefeated champion of starting things and not finishing them, but starting today that's all about to change. I will soon become the champ of starting things and then taking a unconceivable [shout out to all you Princess Bride fans] amount to finish them. So you dirty pile of clothes making a home in the corner of my room, I will pick you up and fold you neatly. All you creative ideas up there in my head, i will transfer you on to paper. You tasty little morsal of chocolate cake that i have been eyeing for weeks on pinterest, i will make you and i will eat you. Hair......(sigh) keep dreaming. Russian memories, prepare yourselves!! This girl is coming back with a vengence! So this is how it's gonna go, along with all the fun shin digs of my present life im going to randomly toss in one of my past Russian adventures! Just because it's in the past doesn't mean it doesn't deserve a moment to stand in the spotlight! Russian ballet......you're first.

"EXCUSE ME SIR, HAVE YOU SEEN MY ESOPHAGUS?"

All i can say is this...i much rather be spending the day at Lagoon than curled up on the bathroom floor caressing a toilet seat with food poisoning. Which, I'm ashamed to admit, is what my boss was thinking. I'll have you know guilt was eating at every fiber of my being until the moment when i was being blasted a whopping 217 feet in the air. At which point all guilt was lost forever and was instantly replaced with terrified suspense, blubbering begging, and then mute screaming [did you know that there is actually a level of fear that even an audible scream can not describe? believe me, it's out there]
There were too many times to count that day of standing in line, living in the moment spending time with some of my favorite people in the world, only to find myself the next second clicking my way up some brightly painted death trap thinking now wait a minute....I'm kinda peeing my pants right now. But then i would always walk away from that ride, surrounded by girls with beyond ridiculous perfectly tousled wispy hair, with my head held high rocking that greasy cowlick with pride.
Taking advantage of a green patch of grass we plopped ourselves down to a feast of pringles and 98% water vs. 2% meat sandwiches, finishing it off with an pleasantly unexpected hour long nap.
As the sun set the ghoulish beasts awoke and began to roam the park. Witnessing a too feminine Frankenstein sing "Love Shack", a poor boy wearing a sad puppy shirt wallowing around in a water fountain, and a group of ski masked chainsaw massacres whipping their hair back and forth was just the beginning as throughout the night i learned that a piece of gum on the sidewalk would become my new best friend when seeing a mangled corpse of a hillbilly approaching. Remember watching all those scary movies and finding yourself yelling at the screen don't run you idiot! that only makes you more of a target! Well I'd like to ask you to put yourself in my situation of being chased by a bloodstained butcher [complete with butcher knife of course], and i would love to see if you do differently. So for all you boys out there that i grabbed and groped at frantically, if you would prefer to think that that was a desperate move of flirting with you instead of me choosing you to put between me and the threat of death....be my guest.
When the drool started to come out to play i knew that was my cue of the lack of feeling in my face and therefore my time to go. So grabbing our belongings as fast as we could and flinching at anybody who appeared to look abnormal in any way, or did any sudden movements we exited the park. During that time i still managed to curse every girl i saw who was still looking  a perfect 10 while i had steadily been making my way to a sturdy 4.3. After a 99 cent burger and fries stop i then burrowed myself, laughing with pure joy at the blissful sensation, into comfiest couch known to man.